i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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