i wish starbucks made bloody marys
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
