I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
