Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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