So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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