Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
