I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
