and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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