This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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