grandma shit on top of the toilet
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
