My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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