Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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