Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
