is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
