My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
