Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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