just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
