My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
