I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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