He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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