Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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