Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
