Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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