Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
