There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
