I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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