I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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