I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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