babies were throwing up all over the place
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I need to calm my uterus...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
