I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
