i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
50% drunk capacity currently
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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