Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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