the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
where are my eyebrows?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
