Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My dick has a subreddit
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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