Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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