i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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