Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
