I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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