Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
