Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
