I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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