The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I love you. Go after that dick
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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