Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
