I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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