Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
