A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize