apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
