someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
