Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
