Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
