So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
