Only a mothe r could love this liver
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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