I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
