Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
