if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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