I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
nutella sex= disaster
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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