I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
