bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
