the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
