Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
