I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
