My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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